The Faculty

"The Faculty" is either mind-bogglingly stupid or a flawed exercise in genius, depending on how you look at it. The fairly obvious choice for most people in this duo will be "mind-bogglingly stupid," as this is (a) a Robert Rodriguez movie and (b) one of those horror movies where your attention is held by its short hairs for two hours, but then you get out in the car afterward (the car belonging to my favorite person to steal jokes from, Robert Kahn) and start asking questions that all boil down to "why didn't anyone in this movie exercise more logical sense than a lemming pitching him- or herself off of a cliff?" It was a rather absorbing film for me, but then I have what I have found lately is an uncommonly adept talent for shutting off my brain during movies where I perceive it to be unnecessary. Some, whose intelligence may have also ruined "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" for them, may disagree.

Of course, horror movies of all kinds are prone to this kind of mislogic where people make, shall we say, poor decisions under pressure. Let's run down a few other mistakes this film makes: Although I will not spoil things by telling you all who the evil alien queen/king organism is, it is *not* Robert Patrick, which spoils things right there, as you are just not going to find someone more capable of relentless emotionless menace than Robert Patrick (cf. "Terminator 2," for starters). I think if you're going to have Robert Patrick in your movie he's got to be your main bad guy. On the plus side in casting, some of the faculty members were vaguely familiar from sitcoms of years past, back when the television was a major part of my life, which adds perceptibly to the creepy menace quotient. Also the supposed star quarterback looks like a short Doogie Howser and does not really fit his role very well (the other five stereoty--I mean, characters, are above reproach: the geek, the popular slut, the Goth girl, the genius underachieving druggie, and the new girl from Atlanta, Jeowja). Aliens run amok, people get theirs, and you take it from there.

Robert Rodriguez is perhaps oversincere about this material, as he was perhaps oversincere about "From Dusk Till Dawn," but some scenes in it are, as was mentioned earlier, pretty damn scary, and it is largely to his credit/fault that they are. He is a good director, although if one were to chart how much I have enjoyed his movies since "El Mariachi" it looks like an Aspen ski slope.

However, it is not his contribution that led to the possible "flawed genius" category above. That contribution would be Kevin Williamson's screenplay. Williamson, of course, is haute jeune #1 among screenwriters, having written both "Scream"s and "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and writing "Dawson's Creek." It is from the postmodern humor of the "Scream"s that this movie tries, halfheartedly, to take its cue. The first "Scream," in particular, was a beautiful piece of metaliterature, if one cared to look at it that way (i.e., if one could avoid cowering in terror while watching it): absorbing the conventions of the genre and simultaneously parodying them and proving its devotion to them.

Parts of the movie presently under consideration sound a lot like Williamson is trying to do the same thing with cheesy sci-fi movies; in fact, there is one scene in particular where you can just see him in his 45th-story condo going "How can I rephrase this dialogue from 'Scream' so no one notices?" But, alas, the conventions for the cheesy sci-fi invasion flick are (a) pretty distant from us in time (the main film under discussion here is "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"), (b) not quite as unanimously followed by filmmakers, and (c) thus don't make as much sense as parodical targets. Thus the numerous references to other sci-fi movies sound like shards of a broken pot inside the echo chamber where evidently all the music for this very loud movie was recorded. What we are left with, intellectually, is something neither fish nor fowl, which is why, in deciding between mind-bogglingly stupid or flawed work of genius, I have to come down foursquare on stupid.

There are worse things.

Attractive Man Count: No.

Attractive Woman Count: I suppose most people would want me to count the popular slut. 1.

Overall Grade: C. See it after you've done something mentally draining, like your taxes or some sort of final exam. This movie delivers the goods only to a truly empty brain.

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