Happy, Texas vs. Mystery, Alaska

On two consecutive Fridays (this last one and this next one), two movies about towns named after abstract words and tucked away in large states arrived at the local cinemas: "Mystery, Alaska" and "Happy, Texas." Even beyond their eerily similar names, these two movies are much alike: they both deal in a comic and a serious manner with the introduction of outsiders into a closed, tiny, rural community, and they both deal especially with the way romantic relationships are affected (or initiated) by the sudden unexpected interlopers. These two movies diverge, however, in their quality. "Happy, Texas" has it, and "Mystery, Alaska" doesn't.

Well, "Mystery, Alaska" may not be as bad as my brief dismissal makes it sound. In fact, there are a lot of good things about the movie. It's well acted, for one, featuring Russell Crowe from "L.A. Confidential" looking fine as all get-out with his long streaming tresses and manly facial hair, and acting extremely remote and uncommunicative--in a word, masculine; Hank Azaria from "The Simpsons" being as annoying as only he can; and The Original Burt Reynolds (accept no substitutes!) as a dignified yet tough-as-hell judge and hockey coach. The hockey scenes that litter this movie are well-done, even if they were probably done well by stunt doubles. The jokes are funny, the tender scenes are passably tender, the rousing scenes are rousing. What's not to like?

The problem lies with Emmy dominator David E. Kelley's script. Apparently trying to prove in the space of one script his dominance of both comedy and drama, he shoehorns both into what is essentially a sports movie. The result is a movie whose first third is a jocular portrayal of a small-town sports team, whose second third is an exploration of relationships that had once been stagnant but are now buckling under stress and mistrust, and whose third third is basically "The Mighty Ducks" with grown-ups.

Each of these thirds is decent enough on its own. Unfortunately, they do not bear any dramatic relation to each other, excepting for the fact that they involve the same characters. The pathos third is the weakest of the three, although it is well-acted. It is not set up at all by the comedic third, and for this reason its credibility is strained all the way, especially when the town's lawyer dies a bizarre and unnecessary death by heart attack as he argues against the NHL Player's Association in court. By the time we get to the hockey third, we've completely forgotten about the amusing third, which would have served as an effective antecedent to the hockey had David E. Kelley not decided to attempt to show just how much the master of multitalentedness he is. Or, at any rate, wishes he was. I hope Kelley is happy with the gallery of television statuary he's accumulated up to this point, because on the strength of this effort he ain't winning any Oscars. This movie's split personality, even with the fine efforts of its cast and crew, dilutes its impact to the point where it has very little impact at all.

No such caveats apply to "Happy, Texas," which is only the funniest movie since this summer's fabled "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut." Credit redounds to writer-director Mark Illsley for taking an everyday situation like two escaped convicts pretending to be two homosexual "Little Miss" beauty pageant directors in a small Texas town and making it funny. Actually, Illsley makes an outstanding contribution beyond dreaming up this happily wacky scenario. He has written a script completely devoid of waste and dithering. There is exactly no exposition at the beginning of the film; we jump right into the action. Illsley directs in a similarly taut and concise fashion. Everything in this film needs to be in it, and nothing in this film doesn't need to be there.

The script is well-served by those who have been chosen to act it. Steve Zahn, in particular, is completely hilarious as the less bright of the two escaped convicts. His ability to convey rage or discouragement simultaneously with a profound frustration with his inability to use the English language effectively to express rage or discouragement is admirable. His transformation from hardened car thief into skilled pageant master, while not unexpected, is nonetheless hyperbolically amusing because of his complete refusal to change his style of talking, so that when he uses the exact same tone of voice to challenge an evil fellow convict to a fight and to rail at the difficulties of sewing sequined hearts onto dance uniforms. Funny stuff.

This is a romantic comedy, which means there must be some romance, and it falls mostly to Jeremy Northam to act it out. Northam has a role which requires less in the way of comedic genius, which is appropriate to his talents. Still, his stoicism in the face of the indignities done unto him is inspiring. Chief among these indignities is the fact that he falls in love with Ally Walker, but is compelled by his assumed identity to pretend he is homosexual, and so must unwittingly leave himself open to William H. Macy's advances. Macy is by turns riotous and affecting as a gay policeman who is serious about his work, but awkward and quite pathetically lonely. He is an excellent actor and delivers probably the best performance in the film.

As a matter of fact, the romantic moments in this film work surprisingly well for a film that can be so far-out funny. This film is quirky, unique and all-of-a-piece. Mark Illsley is not a household name (not even in Hollywood households), but perhaps he should be. Certainly he could give David E. Kelley some profitable lessons in writing screenplays. Ultimately (obvious pun coming), it's no "Mystery" which of these films will make you more "Happy."

This is when my godfather Mark started getting on me about using intransitive verbs all the time. He had a point.

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