Bulworth

I warned some of you that this would happen.

What's a Bulworth, what's a Bulworth, whatsit?

Check out the phat review while the Lindemann busts it

Warren Beatty's made a movie where he tries to prove he's groovy

Except when he tries to rap the words don't flow quite smoothly

He's no Rakim Allah, he's no Vanilla Ice

If he were on a CD I wouldn't play the track twice

But he's not in it to rap; he's in it to preach

The socialist gospel, making one last great reach

from the left to the New Center. We have entered,

says Beatty, an era where ideas don't make a dent or

get the exposure they need. Politics and greed

snuff it all out, and the populace bleeds.

Thus he raps, not quite in these words, but close

But the thing you must realize is the rhymes that he wrote

Are bad but Beatty knows it. It's played for a laugh

The message is quite serious but the medium is chaff

Tossed to us for entertainment. Those who know hip-hop

Are laughing as his character tries to wreck shop

And it's intentional. He's not about the beat, but more the mental.

This kind of tightwire act is incredibly precarious

But Beatty walks it well and the result is hilarious

As well as thought-provoking. You might think he's smoking,

But he's tossing out ideas simultaneously while joking

And there are some straight laughs, like when Beatty steals a ride

And is stymied by the system of hydraulics inside

The car jumps around like the fish out of water

That Beatty is, in South Central. You think a slaughter

will come, but it doesn't. You laugh when fear is relieved.

It's only at the beginning and end that you grieve.

Now the Lindemann does not want to be too demanding

But other critics have shown a simple lack of understanding

Of the satire. You have to know a lot of "black" culture

As well as the politics that the critics (those vultures)

Are so familiar with. And you have to be aware

That stereotypes rarely grow up out of nowhere

But resemble something real, if not the whole truth

(Look at stereotypes of film critics, if you want proof).

I think, as a white suburban boy, that the depictions

Of all peoples in this film are decent for satiric fiction

Be prepared to consider, even if you don't agree

Beatty's pouring out his heart at the local AMC

Enter with an open mind and you'll be impressed

There's a lot of thought and laughter in this picaresque

A few quibbles: why does Beatty get to date Halle Berry?

Why not the Lindemann? Shit, girl, I ain't married

And the ending is conflated, a bit unbelievable

But if you go with the beginning, hey, anything's concievable

A lot of folks say the movie's not crafted too well

I was laughing too hard at the jokes they tell

Audacious but imperfect, Beatty is earnest but still

Manages to be funny. I loved this film.

Attractive Man Count: 1.

Attractive Woman Count: 3.

Overall grade: A-.

I am never doing this again. Lindemann

But I did do it again, for "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas." And I still might if my muse visits me again in this extremely odd form. Be warned. Be very warned.

p.s. I am thinking about doing a satire of disaster movies, tentatively titled "Death From Above," where an enourmous alien ship loses its guidance systems and starts careening straight for Earth, which it plans to blast out of the way as soon as they get in range so that their ship does not explode. The event will be called a "WEGDO," for an "We're All Gonna Die Occurrence." I anticipate starting this satire around 7/3/98 [Armageddon's release date]. Heads up.

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