Simon Sez

"Simon Sez" is one of the finest low-budget action films in recent memory. It achieves this distinction by ignoring things that are inessential to the total action-movie experience, like character, plot, subtlety, plausibility, and a general sense that any intelligence at all was used in the writing of the script. Instead, it brings us almost non-stop action, occasionally spelled by brainless comedy.

In other words, everything you need.

The creators of "Simon Sez" realized that this film's target audience cares not a whit for motivation, psychology, or human relationships, and instead decided to give the audience what it wants: gunplay, karate, cool gadgets, people acting really stupid, and a gigantic explosion. You could almost see the filmmakers checking off the list as they went through the script. Many action films waste time with ludicrous momentum-stopping romantic subplots or scenes establishing motivations that are supposed to convey gravity but instead cause raucous laughter. Thankfully, this movie has forgone these dead spaces to try to fit in more dumb jokes and action scenes, and "Simon Sez" is much the better for it.

Dennis Rodman plays the "Simon" of the title. Rodman previously costarred in "Double Team" with Jean-Claude Van Damme, an acknowledged master of the low-budget action film ("Universal Soldier: The Return" notwithstanding). Rodman has obviously learned something from Van Damme about how to comport himself when surrounded by cheesy special effects and underpaid karate fighters, as is manifest in his laconic presence and skill with the idiotic pun. In fact, Dennis Rodman's character is the most serious in the film, always eager to get down to business while the other characters dither and joke. This will strike those of us who follow basketball as pretty funny given Rodman's penchant for long, unexplained, mid-season leaves of absence, but total absurdity is one of the charms of this movie.

Rodman's presence has apparently inspired someone to orient the movie slightly towards African-Americans, which means here that there are a lot of jokes about Caucasians dancing badly. (I maintain that there are few things that are more reliably funny than a Caucasian person dancing badly.) The jokes uniformly aspire to and achieve that level of humor (i.e., a low level), from the Jim Carrey-esque prancing around of the incompetent private detective to the slapstick bumbling of the staggeringly computer-literate monks who assist Rodman. Do not go to this movie looking for urbane, sophisticated humor.

Similarly, the action, while suitably rousing, does betray some rough edges. These can mostly be traced to this movie's low budget, including the very faked flying scene and the final massive fireball, which is so obviously the explosion of a model that I burst out laughing while watching it. When the movie sticks with gunplay and hand-to-hand fighting, it is reliably engrossing. The action as such is not always so outstanding (Rodman looks at times lackadaisical when fighting, which is taking the cool-and-collected thing a bit far), but there is simply so much of it that you eventually get caught up in it. Sometimes in other action films, where the action comes in two-minute segments separated by long, arid stretches where nothing happens, my attention flags. Not so here. The last 45 minutes or so of the movie are nonstop action, and they are quite thrilling.

The phalanx of good karate fighters in here includes a lethal woman, which type of woman I have always maintained is underrepresented in action filmography. She actually does have a romance with Rodman, but since their romance is conducted while the two paramours attempt to kill each other, it is not only an acceptable romantic subplot but an improvement on most of the action.

Working against this movie, in some people's minds, would be its plot, which is ludicrous beyond my power to describe it, its characters, none of whom achieve more depth than a sheet of wax paper, and its basic orientation towards complete mindlessness. But this orientation is just what makes this movie great. It doesn't have to achieve character development or a comprehensible plot. The filmmakers don't care about it because the audience doesn't, either. People who go see "Simon Sez" with enthusiasm, as I did, are seeing it for one reason and one reason only: because they think it might have what it takes to give them a ride.

And it does.

Uh, yeah. "Simon Sez" is not this good, although it is good as the low-budgeters go. This was the second review I wrote for the Diamondback, and I think it was more of a policy statement than a review. No one batted an eye, so I kept writing.

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