(Both the Clover Man and I would like to give much respect to Flavor Flav.)

Yes, I rap, or try to. Mostly try to. I have a couple songs lionizing minor sports figures and a bunch of songs that address other topics but are also basically silly. I also have parodies; for some of these, I have versions in which I rap over the original song in amazingly amateurish fashion (in production; only sort of in the rapping).

Although I am attempting to grapple with GarageBand and make myself some more, I'm in the market for any beats you may have available as well. Drop me a line if you're intrigued by the prospect.

TWO PRODUCED SONGS!

Darvin Ham • Original • K-Ferg Remix • A Capella

This rhyme was written back in the day, when Darvin Ham was a Washington Wizard and the Wizards played in MCI Center and they were still awful. I did the (minimalist) beat on the original version; Kevin Ferguson, a devotee of Wizznutzz (on which the rhyme was first posted), did the remix. If you'd like to do a remix, I've also posted the a capella version. Yes, I know I need to buy a better microphone.

The Notorious B.I.P.

This song was written because of a stray comment on the Detroit Tigers Forum on WorldCrossing. It was produced by a fellow Forumite, Jason "State of the" Artman, who, I learned during this process, is extremely talented. If you have not been following the Detroit Tigers for the past five years, you may have some trouble understanding what is going on. Much props to Duran Duran for not suing us over the unauthorized sample.

SOME SILLY PARODIES

Nuthin' but a Gaul Thang • Lyrics • MP3

The most publicly successful of all my raps, in that I did it live for a bunch of people I didn't know (at a friend's graduation party) and they liked it/me. If you find French people annoying, you'll like this rhyme. A parody (pretty obviously) of Dr. Dre's "Nuthin' but a G Thang." Big ups to my homey Dr. Dre, who I am sure will be lenient with his lawsuits.

Big Ole Braine • Lyrics • MP3

The way the world works in my wildest fantasies. A parody of LL Cool J's always-tasty "Big Ole Butt." One love to Uncle L for not blitzing my ass with legal shrapnel over this.

Dental Work • Lyrics • MP3

A Weird Al Yankovic-ish parody of the Notorious B.I.G.'s verse on "Mo Money, Mo Problems." My idea of a tribute, since I lack the financial resources to jack a Police beat and rhyme over that. Peace to the estate and producer Puff Daddy, who I am sure is too concerned with major bling to try to take the few cents I have by suing me.

Can't Spear This

A parody of MC Hammer's timeless classic "Can't Touch This," from the perspective of the even more classic Iliad. Justin Bartlett will kill me if I don't put this one up.

ORIGINAL JOINTS TO SATISFY YOUR CRAVING FOR SUCH JOINTS

The Benazir Bhutto Song

From happier times in Pakistani history. It's hard to get much sillier than this one. Note: Please read the explanation above the song on the linked page before you decide whether to firebomb my apartment.

Name Checker

What it sounds like.

If any of you who have known me for a while see that something is missing, let me know and I'll pop it up here. And I'll try to write some more rhymes, because rhyming on the mic is the number-one trade.

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