The Price of Everything

Two anchors, Bill and Andrea, sitting at a CNBC anchor desk. Semi-sentimental music and a title sequence for the show, called "Things We Care About."

Bill: Good evening, I'm Bill Jackson and this is Andrea Robinson. Welcome to "Things We Care About." Tonight's big story is, of course, the continuing love crisis. Love prices rose for the forty-fifth consecutive day today, prompting demonstrations and riots, and there is no relief in sight for the love shortage that has paralyzed international emotion markets for the past six months. We'll have more on this later in the show, but first -

Andrea: Congressional votes declined for a sixth straight day today, prompting investors to place a "sell" recommendation on all but the committee chairmen. Today's decline left common congressional votes selling at $3,467, an overall $502 drop from the beginning of the week and the lowest price since March 2009. Presidential amnesty votes, while still more costly than common congressional votes, also declined today, finishing at $8,442, their lowest price since the "Presidential Swampland Insurance" scandal of September 2011. The recent votes against terrorist amnesty and rainforest atomic bomb testing have led many analysts to conclude that the congressional market is suffering a real decline in efficiency and effectiveness, and many have put their money into marginal bureaucrats. Accordingly, these were up 5% to $2,994 today.

Bill: In a related story, the presidential conscience was selling for $102,328, a six-month high, at last call today. It was rumored that its new owner was Intel-Westinghouse-NBC-Alcoa, who intended to use it to subvert a newfound environmental consciousness which had sold earlier in the week to the Sierra Club for the record-setting sum of $43,335. IWNA, of course, has been trying for some time to shove a law allowing lunar strip mining through Congress, to no avail because of purchase actions on marginal bureaucrats by the miner's union and Greenpeace.

Andrea: Truth prices also continued rising today, with the Composite Index of Truths hitting a twelve-month high at 847.30. Beauty prices, while recovering slightly, remained low enough for the truth-beauty ratio, or T over B ratio, to reach a new high yesterday. This marks a new milestone in the gradual deviation from the ratio of one-to-one set by John Keats in the 1700's. However, sexiness prices continued their climb, and the Hot-Hot Index reached a high of 3,474.67 today, suggesting that perhaps truth is sexiness, and sexiness truth. (chuckles)

Bill: And in soul trading today, the recent sudden rise continued, as Hell Industries continued to spend the cash it realized from its recent IPO. Souls are now selling for about $278,942, although since trading is basically private until it is recorded these figures are, of course, estimates. Hell Industries CEO Damien B. Satan (pronounced "Sha-TAHN") has stated his intention to continue to sell stock in Hell until there is no real economic way for people to avoid selling out to him. Since Hell Industries' profit grew at an astonishing 643% last year, there may well be a good chance of that.

Andrea: But the most important events today continued to take place in the love market. The New York Love, Compassion and Sympathy Exchange was the site of riots and demonstrations today as the love shortage continued to worsen. Love prices have skyrocketed from 909,487.21 six months ago to 45,607,930.27. Opinion seems to be divided as to who is to blame. Some protestors thought that traders were hoarding love options. Some blamed the seven international megacompanies for driving the price artifically high, beyond the ability of the average investor to get into the market. But Alan Greenspan Reconstitution II, representing the Federal Emotion Reserve, had this to say:

Greenspan (video): Whatever the markets may be doing with the love that is available to them, and I can't deny that there have been some abuses, the real culprit in this, uh, love shortage, is all the mothers, and fathers and brothers, and sisters, and spouses--all the producers of love, in short, who simply are illegally keeping all the love for themselves and their accomplice "loved ones" and not bringing the love into its proper sphere of the NYLCSE or the FER. And I continue to urge all the love producers out there to report, even if you have been hoarding your production, to report to the NYLCSE or FER and so we can try and sort this out without additional violence.

Andrea: Indeed, one of the demonstrations today was a "Share the Love" demonstration in Central Park, attended by many of the richest men in the country or their symbionts. It featured the music of Bert Bacharach:

Bacharach: What the international financial markets need now...is love, affordable love...no, not just for some...but for everyone...

Andrea: At the demonstration, many echoed Greenspan II's earlier sentiments:

Suited Guy: Well, I would have to say the problem is definitely love-greedy producers and their families, wallowing in their abundant love while the rest of us go poor. I mean, when I go home at night, I mean, I've never loved anything, but I used to be able to have a little love I'd picked up at work for the wife and kids. Now I don't even have that. I can't afford it, not even with my Disney-ABC-Kraft-Microsoft options. I've been bringing home respect, but it's just not the same.

Andrea: But one did not have to go far to find dissenters:

Young Hippie: Well, I just think, see, like, love is something we all can produce inside ourselves, and like, we should just all learn to make it. For ourselves. If you had love, like, why would you give it to the Federal Emotion Reserve, even if it was illegal not to?

Bill: The Beatles, once thought naively optimistic by a new generation of traders, are now proving to be oddly prophetic. Are we moving into a new economic era where money actually cannot buy love? Professor Brian Schenk of Columbia had this to say:

Schenk: I think there will be a very large black market in upcoming weeks for unregulated love transfers, taking place especially in bars and upscale clothing stores as people trade goods or services directly for love, moving back more towards the economic model of the late 20th century. But I think the public is tired of the straight cash transfer model. I think a lot of people are unsatisfied, um, because they thought the cash transfer model instituted in 2008 would eliminate the ambiguity and make everything more clear. But the production of love has proven so difficult to regulate that it may be time to switch back to the old, messy, but provably workable model.

Bill: We'll keep you updated on this situation as it develops throughout the night. That's all the time we have for now. Good night.

Andrea: Good night.

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