Andrew Lindemann Malone's Internet Playpen
Movie Reviews

The Passion of the Christ 2: Payback

Black screen. The final notes of the “Crucifixus” from Bach’s B Minor Mass play during the first sentence of voiceover.

VOICEOVER: They crucified Our Lord.

SAMPLE FROM FIRST FILM: Eli, eli, lama sabachtani? (echoes)

VOICEOVER: They laid him in a tomb which was hewn out of a rock, and rolled a stone unto the door of the tomb.

Over the course of the next sentences, we fade onto the tomb, with the stone rolled aside.

VOICEOVER: But when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene and Mary approached the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb. And when they went inside, they did not find the body.

The first two words of Bach's “Et resurrexit” play, with an echo coming after. The sun just barely rises over the tomb. A brief pause.

VOICEOVER: But before he ascended to heaven, he had some unfinished business to take care of on Earth.

Then play James Brown’s “The Big Payback.” Jesus is dressed in standard tunic and sandals, but in one hand he’s carrying a crucifix that’s sized to double as a whupping stick and in the other hand he’s whipping around a fine gold chain with a little crucifix attached. He is walking down a dirt road with a determined look on his face. He is strutting.

VOICEOVER: Icon Pictures presents…Mel Gibson in (title comes up on black screen) “The Passion of the Christ 2: Payback.”

Quick cut to Christ looming over a camera.

CHRIST: God so loved the world he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in me should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Cut onto a centurion trembling at Jesus’ feet.

CHRIST: For you, I make no promises. (swings wooden crucifix down)

Montage of stills behind voiceover.

VOICEOVER: Christ gets his revenge as only Christ can — in the name of himself!

Scene with cowering Roman noble.

CHRIST: When I’m feeling torn betweeen possibilities, I often ask myself: “What would I do?” And right now, I think I’m going to break off my size 12 sandal in your—

ROMAN NOBLE: AAAAAAAHHH! Christ!

VOICEOVER: “The Passion of the Christ 2: Payback.” In theaters this Easter.

One final scene, with a battered Christ encircled by centurions.

CENTURION: Who’s your daddy now, Jesus?

CHRIST: The Lord thy God!

Humongous explosion noise over end credit screens.

DIFFERENT VOICEOVER: “The Passion of the Christ 2: Payback” is rated R for God-fearing violence. Featuring the new single "Murda Christ" by Ma$e featuring Kanye West and Barrington Levy.

Another explosion noise.

 


From Spam-O-Maticker Mark Knoblauch:

 

Andrew, baby,

Loved the treatment. Revenge is good. Can relate to that. Screw Katzenberg.

But first of all, No, no, no, no, no. Bach is way too upscale/elitist, and
Mahler more so. Think today. We need something by Hans Zimmer that lends
itself more to electronic boosting. More of a bass line for the subwoofers.

Your dialog sounds way too RSV. We need something more contemporary, ya
know? Consider a new vocabulary, viz., mofo, scumbag, perp, etc.

Need to see more of blood and suppurating wounds, the kind of stuff that
made Part I such a treat. You write it, our makeup guys will do it. Part I
was boffo box office, but it didn't move the merchandise at the refreshment
counter, so do some product placement. (Ideal time: Jesus' post-resurrection
seashore BBQ with the disciples. Instead of broiled fish, maybe an Emeril
recipe?)

Not true enough? Look, we all want historic accuracy, yada, yada, yada, but
if you can work in some Iraqi bad guys . . .

Nevertheless, we here at the studio liked what we saw. Expecting your
finished script here by month end. Let's just hope Harve Weinstein doesn't
get out ahead of us. Can you work with Ang Lee as director? (Need those
Pacific Rim DVD sales.)

Love ya, baby. Kissy kissy.

Now get back to work.

MK

 

All this tasty writing ©2002-8 by Andrew Lindemann Malone. All rights reserved.