Tournament of Idiots

Maryland Rioters Earn Fourth Seed in Tournament

The rioters at the University of Maryland are going back to the Big Civil Disturbance, as the National Communal Altercation Association Tournament selection committee awarded them a #4 seed. Maryland will face off against the #13-seeded Anti-Globalization Activists when the tournament begins Thursday.

Though the Maryland rioters had a difficult year, not even mustering burned mattresses for a defeat of then-#1 Florida earlier in the season, their performance during the ACC tournament propelled them to a higher seed in the annual clash of rioting titans than many had thought would be possible.

"Of course, Maryland's riots this past weekend influenced our decision," said the chairman of the selection comittee, who identifies himself as "Anthrax Joe" to the media. "Their rioters get selected every year because they bring their game every year: Bonfires, drunken idiots, property destruction, traffic disturbance. What's not to like? I mean, other than those chicks not flashing us when we went and scouted them."

The West Regional, Maryland's bracket, is considered to be the toughest of the brackets, with Detroit's Devil's Night rioters seeded #1 and an array of storied and frenzied mobs elsewhere in the bracket, including the Texas A&M Faulty Bonfire Builders, who forfeited the NCAA title to Maryland in 2002 after their bonfire killed most of their rioters. "You don't see that happening at Maryland," Anthrax Joe noted. Maryland could face the A&Mers in the national semifinals, should there be any survivors.

Right now, Maryland will be looking to advance by defeating the Anti-Globalization Activists, another proud program coming off a difficult season. "They have us beat in puppets and people wearing Wal-Mart T-shirts with anarchy symbols painted on, but we have them beat in BLEAAAARGH," said Maryland junior Josh Barnes, 20, as he threw up on his shoes.

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