|Andrew Lindemann Malone's Internet Playpen|
McCartney Curses, Urinates on Fans During Super Bowl Halftime Show
JACKSONVILLE, Feb. 7 - The efforts by the Fox Network and the National Football League to ensure that this year’s Super Bowl halftime show would not be marred by controversy went for naught last night, as Paul McCartney, the show’s star, performed a cover of the N.W.A. “gangsta rap” song “F--- tha Police” and an original he called “Golden Showers From On High.”
Last year’s halftime show inspired an uproar after one of Janet Jackson’s breasts was bared as part of a dance routine, one which led to fines by the Federal Communications Commission and pleas from people who are afraid of breasts for the NFL to clean up the multi-million dollar spectacle. McCartney, the affable British knight who most people consider to be slightly less culpable than John Lennon in the breakup of the pop foursome the Beatles, was considered by the show’s organizers to be a man who could give America the familiar, inoffensive entertainment it deserves. However, their confidence in McCartney’s sense of propriety turned out to have been drastically misplaced.
“Hello America,” the vegetarian tunesmith greeted the crowd. “You know, I love this country, almost as much as me home, except for all the wars you get us into. And the fact that I can’t find mash without bangers here. But one other thing I can’t stand is your bloody cops. Right side of the road, my ass. It’s the correct side, which is the left side. I heard ‘right side of the road’ too bloody much in Jacksonville — or should I say Jackoffsonville? — this week that it would be irresponsible of me not to use my artistic stature to lodge a protest. Drop the beat, DJ.” McCartney then proceeded to rap the song, which is considered a classic by hip-hop fans, who as we know have no moral values.
“I don’t want my kids exposed to horrible rapping like that,” said homemaker Doris Beauchant of Baton Rouge, La. “I think he was off-beat for at least three-fourths of the song. And I’m sure it would have been terribly offensive if I could have understood what the hell he said. Is he from India or something?”
“Well, that felt good,” McCartney said when he had finished. “But you know, America, you should feel good too. People in the front row — would you like something you can auction off on eBay? Because this next song will give you what you need.” McCartney then put his microphone down, dropped his pants, picked up the microphone, began urinating, and sang without accompaniment (audio): “Don’t you hate it when it rains/Except when the rain is golden/Then it isn’t such a pain/Take a look at what I’m holding/Golden showers from on high/Golden showers from on high/You just have to wonder why/I’m such a well-endowed guy.” At this point in the show, he was shot with a tranquilizer dart by a Fox sniper. He was dragged from the stage by Up With People, who then sang their original number “God Bless Rootin’-Tootin’ America!”
“As disgusting as that was, I definitely did go right to eBay after the game,” said one of the fans caught in the shower, who would identify himself only as “paulmccartneysurine24.” “The people sitting next to me were not real happy with my decision to stay for the second half, but I didn’t want to miss a moment of this exciting football game between the teams. The green guys were really going after it!”
“That was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen,” Buck Thompson, right-thinking American, said. “I can’t imagine whether he thought of the kids or not when he decided to urinate for that long on television.”
Cultural critics’ reactions were surprisingly muted, as most of them had tuned away from Fox to watch the Bikini Bowl on Spike TV when halftime started. However, economists calculated the damages from the nation’s loss of an additional increment of innocence at $3.4 trillion. “As we have less and less innocence to lose,” explained Greg Mankiw, President George W. Bush’s chief economist, “each remaining bit of innocence becomes more and more precious. It’s a natural side effect of scarcity. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think my Asian lesbian dwarf porn has finished downloading.”
All this tasty writing ©2002-11 by Andrew Lindemann Malone. All rights reserved.