Let's Get A New Job

American Medical Association

Editor-in-Chief

PO Box 10944

Chicago, IL 60610-0944

Dear American Medical Association,

I know what you're thinking as you sift through these piles of resumes, publication citations, Nobel prizes, and other effluvia from the exceptionally well-educated, respected, other applicants for the much-coveted position of Editor-in-Chief of the Journal of the American Medical Association.

You're thinking, "But where is the funk?"

I know that you were reading all the media coverage of the firing of your former, unnamed editor (who seems to be the only person who actually lost his job because of the impeachment hearings, now that I think about it). You kept seeing one quote, over and over again: "almost as good as the New England Journal of Medicine." You want to strike out that word "almost." But how can you do it?

One way would be to hire an editor who can further JAMA's involvement in the public health process to the point where it is a respected force not only in the medical community, but in state assemblies and on Capitol Hill, so that the American Medical Association would have a voice in the offices of the highest officials of America.

But there are other ways. Ways that involve truly innovative thinking. Operating "outside the box." In fact, operating so far outside the box that you can barely see the box on a clear day. And this is where I come in.

You're all busy people. But I'm not. And this is why I'm submitting my application for the position of Editor-in-Chief of JAMA and all associated journals.

My familiarity with JAMA is unique among your applicants. I read JAMA every week - but not in a way that I would understand any of it. Instead, I scan it, select and enter its bibliographic information, and finally proofread its abstracts for inclusion in an online medical database that I think frankly I shouldn't mention, in case you don't hire me and I still need a job. Because of this position, I have a "nuts-and-bolts" familiarity with JAMA that, perhaps, your other applicants lack.

I am also a member of Generation X, and I can tell you: studies on the interaction of hemoglobin A with the interleukin-12 based cytogene on erythropoietin proliferation in persons over 55 years of age who have the letter "P" somewhere in their names (or whatever) don't do it for us. No, JAMA will need a new strategy if it is going to appeal to people my age in the broader marketplace.

What's that you say? JAMA is written for the perusal of doctors, who use the information in caring for patients? That thinking is so far inside the box it might as well be the box itself. I'm talking about the broader market. I'm talking about newsstand sales. I'm talking about a vast, basically apathetic public that nonetheless makes time to hang on your every word. I'm talking mentioning MTV, FUBU and JAMA in the same sentence.

It would mean more publicity for the important medical issues that need to be presented to the American public. It would mean even more media celebrity for your senior editors, one of whom would, of course, be me. And, finally, it would mean vast piles of cash littering the floors of the AMA's offices. Sure, you have a hot tub - but is it cast titanium? I can make it happen.

Here are some of the enhancements I would make to JAMA, just to start, in order that the AMA, JAMA, and of course I can realize this dream:

• JAMA has published one experiment designed and conducted by a fourth-grader. But it's not enough. There is a tremendous amount of science in this country done at science fairs which is simply going to waste in garbage cans around the country two days after the science fairs. I would make a special editorial position to go to science fair after science fair looking for biomedical research, like "Effect of Alcohol on My Pet Dog" and "Amazing Mutant Little Brother."
• I would make an immediate editorial policy encouraging the use of more slang in headlines, such as "Congress Administers Smackdown to NIH Budget Request" and "Doctors Dis Wack Evidence-Based Oncological Screening Guidelines."
• Some kinesiologist friends of mine who are very persuasive would go have a "chat" with Jerome Kassirer every time the New England Journal of Medicine is about to accept a groundbreaking epidemiological study, persuading him that perhaps it is in his kneecaps' best interest to reject the study and to perhaps suggest that the authors try JAMA this time. And the next.
• I would make JAMA even more forward-looking in graphic design. Sure, JAMA is illegible now. But is it illegible enough to be trendy? I think not.
• And finally, I would move immediately to buy rights to Bob Marley's "Jammin'," and I would make it the official song of JAMA, with appropriate lyrics:
  "I'm JAMA, and I hope you like JAMA too..."

In closing, I present you with a choice. You can choose someone with "qualifications" and "degrees" and "some actual knowledge of medicine, much less running a magazine." Stay inside the box. And come out of it all with a magazine that will remain the Avis of major public health journals: eternally second.

Or you can leap out of the box that constrains you, take a chance, risk it all, and go with me as your editor-in-chief.

The choice is up to you.

Sincerely,

Andrew Lindemann Malone

encl.: sample medical writings

Yes, I repeated like two jokes. This is mainly a stylistic exercise. The AMA address above was actually the address to which one sent one's application to become editor-in-chief, and I did actually send this letter there. Unfortunately, the AMA never got in contact with me, and as a result JAMA is still extremely out of touch with my key demographic. It's not too late, AMA punks, but now my labors will cost you double. Ante up or step off.

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