Andrew Lindemann Malone's Internet Playpen
Movie Reviews


Often, the selfish among us ask impertinent questions about celebrating diversity, like "Why should I waste perfectly good PlayStation time celebrating diversity?" The more enlightened among us, however, know that celebrating diversity is not something you have to take time out of your day to do. Rather, it is a process. Every stupefying lecture, every meaningless conversation, and every pseudo-social interaction like TV watching or Internet chatting that you witness or participate in can be enhanced by a greater appreciation of the diversity around you. It worked for me!

For example, my classes are much enhanced by the diversity contained therein. If anyone was paying attention to any of my professors, ever, I'm sure that their different backgrounds would make the opinions they offer interestingly different from the opinions I would offer if I was paying attention. As it is, we can all overcome our differences and unite in the common activities of trying desperately not to make eye contact when our professors ask questions, floundering pitiably when put on the spot, and generally displaying so little interest and aptitude that our professors are driven to begin addictions to solace-providing illegal substances. Our different backgrounds allow us to work all the better towards our common goal.

My personal life has also been much the better because of the diversity of the University of Maryland student body. For example, on this campus I have been able to meet women of all races, creeds, ethnicities, religions, ages, physical and mental abilities, and socioeconomic backgrounds, who unite in turning away and staring at clouds when I attempt to talk to them. If the Maryland campus were not so diverse, I might retain some vestige of hope that there existed some outcast sect or little-known enclave somewhere whose women might give me the time of day. Now, I have been able to eliminate that possibility entirely—all due to diversity!

But the most important thing to note about diversity and its celebration is that it contributes to the persistent feeling of alienation from my fellow humans which pervades every minute of my life. Were I not a celebrant of diversity but a demon of insensitivity, I might look at a human being who was different from me and scorn that person simply because of that difference. Now, I know to celebrate that person's differences. In neither transaction, you will notice, do I attempt to get to know the person in question. In both cases, basically superficial qualities are elevated to the status of defining characteristics. Thus I can go around without making any significant personal connection to anyone, knowing that it's good that people are different from me even though people are still essentially and insuperably different. Although this knowledge often drives me to wish I had a drinking problem in which I could drown my unbearable loneliness, I am happy that I have seen the light and celebrated diversity. So get out and celebrate diversity today! Don't you want to be as happy as I am? I wish I had some Scotch.


All this tasty writing ©2002-11 by Andrew Lindemann Malone. All rights reserved.