Augmenting My Experience

January 14, 2002

Dear Andrew,

Your outstanding academic performance in the Fall 2001 Semester has put you on the Dean's List for that semester! I applaud your accomplishment and encourage you to keep up the good work. Your continued perseverance will serve you well in your future endeavors.

I consider it an honor that you are in the College of Arts and Humanities. If there is anything that I or my staff can do to augment your experience here at the University of Maryland, please contact my office at (301) 405-2090.

Good luck and continued success!

Sincerely,

Dr. James F. Harris, Dean

College of Arts and Humanities

January 21, 2002

Dear James,

Thank you for your letter of January 14 congratulating me on my performance during the Fall 2001 Semester. In response, I would like to let you know that there are several things you or your staff could do to augment my experience here at the University of Maryland.

• My academic performance, when averaged with the academic performance of any three members of the men's basketball or football teams (especially considering that they are allowed to take Human Sexuality four times for credit), ensures that the university achieves a reasonable level of academic performance overall. Yet I spend so much time achieving my outstanding academic performance that I am unable to spend my evenings camping out for men's basketball tickets — even though, by dragging up the overall average, I contribute greatly to the team's very existence.
  Therefore, I would like reserved first-row tickets in the student section for home games including but not limited to Virginia, Wake Forest, and Duke. I would also like complimentary tickets to the ACC tournament and the Final Four, at which I will display my academic accomplishments to the rest of the world by screaming "SILVER SPRING!!!!!" every time Lonny Baxter makes a free throw.
• Again, because I have put so much time into my outstanding academic performance, I have not had time to develop a social life of any consequence here at the University of Maryland. In particular, I have not been able to secure any romantic attachments for myself. Therefore, I would ask you or your staff to identify females in the College of Arts and Humanities who have achieved similarly outstanding academic performance, currently do not have any romantic attachments, can take and tell a joke, and have more and tighter curves than LeMans.
  To further augment my experience, you may wish to force them to date me by threatening to put XF's on their transcripts if they do not. This may not be an entirely honorable course of action, but it is such an honor to have me in the College of Arts and Humanities that I am sure you come out ahead in the end.
• I would also like five thousand dollars in small, unmarked bills. That would augment my experience, big time. Please leave the money in a paper sack in the far stall in the third-floor South Campus Dining Hall men's bathroom.

Thank you for your attention to these matters. Please be assured that if I do not receive an adequate response to my demands, I will show you some of the continued perseverance which will serve me well in my future endeavors. I look forward to applauding your efforts.

Sincerely,

Andrew Lindemann Malone

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