Arnold vs. IB World Lit

English in high school was frustrating, because we were in the International Baccalaureate program, and to fulfill its requirements we had to study books in great detail for unconscionably long periods of time. So sometimes I would have Arnold kill all the characters. Like this time. Here Arnold takes on Hedda Gabler, A Doll's House, Metamorphosis, and Medea. But he had to use a pseudonym to go undercover.

BRACK: But that’s impossible! People don’t do such things!

TESMAN: I guess they do. Well, Mrs. Elvsted…

ELVSTED: Georgie…

(Enter ARNOLD SCHWARTZENBØRG. He is big and well-muscled and is carrying a big gun and talking in a thick Austrian accent)

SCHWARTZENBØRG: People do do such things, Brack. (cocks gun) Looks like now I’m the biggest cock of the walk. (blows him away)

TESMAN: No! Stop! What are you doing?

SCHWARTZENBØRG: You like this gun, uh? (blows him away)

ELVSTED: Surely you’ll let me live! I’m a defenseless woman!

SCHWARTZENBØRG: You’re such a little fool, Thea. (destroys her)

(A knock is heard at the door. Someone opens it slowly. HELMER steps in.)

HELMER: The greatest miracle…? (everyone rises up, even the dead people, and they all shoot him with 9mms)

MEDEA: (from offstage) Death. Death is what I wish–

SCHWARTZENBØRG: We aim to please. Have a heaping handful. (destroys her)

GREGOR: My sister is leaving me fewer and fewer scraps–

SCHWARTZENBØRG: I’ll finish the job your father started. (picks up a watermelon and throws it at him) Looks like I’ve swatted the monstrous vermin.

(Curtain falls) SCHWARTZENBØRG: Kids–just say no to IB World Lit.

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