Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla

I decided to present the word-for-word transcript here because (a) this was the first time I interviewed people with some degree of fame, and I thought it was worth preserving, so I actually have the transcript, unlike the time I engaged in a telephonic gang interview with Robin Williams and Danny DeVito and then couldn't summon the interest to , and (b) I wanted to demonstrate that most of the time, interviews are full of filler and pointless questions and ass-kissing that you, the reader, never see. There are very good reasons for deleting that stuff, mostly relating to the perceived competence of the interviewer, but I don't care how competent you do or don't think I am. At least in the realm of interviewing semi-famous people.

ALM: What's up?

JK & AC: Hey! How ya doing?

ALM: It's good to talk to you. I really enjoy your show. [Read why here.]

JK: Thanks!

ALM: I was just wondering––I have a bunch of questions…How'd you come up with the idea for the show and why did it take so long for something like this to get on the air?

JK: Well, we can't answer the "takes so long" question because, you know, we thought of it, uh, you know, I guess, we definitely thought of it before anybody else did. But, uh, we can't speak for everyone else. We were thinking that others were just relaxing, I guess.

ALM: Ah.

AC: They weren't doing their job.

JK: Yeah. That's right. We try to stay one step ahead of America. But, uh, what was your other question besides how did it take so long?

ALM: Oh, just how'd you come up with the idea, you know?

JK: Oh, okay.

AC: Jimmy and I were having a love affair--I don't mean physically, but we really enjoyed spending time together. And we spent quite a few days eating lunch and sort of talking about our general philosophy as it pertained to life and comedy. And we both decided that we liked each other's sensibilities a lot, and we thought it'd be great if we could somehow work together––

JK: We were thinking a radio show, maybe, you know?

ALM: Ah.

AC: Yeah, we weren't thinking big, we were thinking a little smaller. And Jimmy had an audition, an interview, he had a meeting with some producers and a local female who's on the radio here to do a sort of 'he said, she said' kind of talk show, and they told Jimmy that he was going to have to represent, I mean, he's going to have to be liked by women, essentially, and appeal to them. And Jimmy knew that was a farfetched idea, and so after that disappointing meeting he called me up and he said, "We're going to do our own show and it's called 'The Man Show.'"

ALM: Yeeah.

AC: And I said, "Count me in," and I heard trumpets go off when he told me that, and then I immediately hung up the phone and I took a nap.

ALM: That is quite inspiring.

AC: Yeah, but after I woke up from the nap, then things really started to happen.

JK: Then things started to hum.

AC: That's right.

ALM: All right. Many people do say that your show is offensive. How can I shut them up so I can watch it in peace?

JK: Well, whose house is it? Where do you watch the show?

ALM: Well, sometimes, you know, there are women coming through the apartment and they will look at the show and they'll be like, "Please turn that off," and I'll be like, "No." So I need some method of dealing with them that maybe you've developed? [If Adam and Jimmy had known how patently untrue this was, they would have spent the rest of the ten minutes laughing at me.]

AC: Women enjoy tough love.

JK: There is nothing I would tolerate less than some woman coming into my house telling me what to watch on TV. If my mother did that, I'd throw her into the dumpster in the alley. And, uh, you just shouldn't, you can't have it, you shouldn't allow it. Think of every Man Show as the ninth inning of a playoff game.

AC: It's not a democracy. It's a man-dracy. You really gotta set limits. It's important. Girls are like kids. They want that kind of guy. They crave it.

ALM: Maybe I should post something on the door, before they enter the apartment––

AC: Or just lock it.

ALM: Or that too.

AC: Yeah, because if you can watch it more freely away, anyway.

ALM: Does the Man Show plan to address issues that are important to college-age men like myself, like screaming feminist activists and beer shortages?

JK: Well, I think we do. I don't know of any––are there really any beer shortages anymore?

ALM: Well, sometimes there's not as much beer as you'd like. I don't know if that's a beer shortage, but––

AC: Well, that's a money shortage.

JK: Yeah, that's a money shortage.

ALM: Oftentimes.

AC: We deal with the most important issues to men: masturbating, farting. In the "women's suffrage" bit, we attempted to repeal the––19th? 17th? What the hell? What amendment was it? Nineteenth?

JK: The nineteenth amendment, yeah.

AC: Listen, the show isn't about information, it's really about kind of our take on things and things we like, like girls jumping on trampolines.

ALM: Things that all men like.

AC: Right. Not all, but, uh, you know.

ALM: Many, many.

AC: The heterosexual ones, anyway.

ALM: Did you see the comment about the show in this week's [late October 1999] issue of Newsweek by Susan Faludi?

JK: No, what'd she say?

ALM: She said that on the Man Show, "flatulence seems to be the sine qua non of male identity."

AC: Well, if I spoke French, she'd be in a lot of trouble. [actually Latin]

JK: I guarantee you, we get this Susan Faludi in a room––I don't even, I know she wrote a book having to do with men, I don't know what it's about, but I guarantee you, we'd tear her to pieces.

ALM: Would you let her jump on the trampoline to try to make amends?

JK: I don't know. How does she look?

ALM: She's kinda old but she's well-preserved. [I am being staggeringly generous here.]

JK: No.

AC: No.

ALM: Not even?

JK: Nope.

ALM: Do you think there's anything wrong with flatulence being the sine qua non of male identity?

JK: Hey, I don't even know whatever that means.

ALM: The essence.

JK: I don't speak French, and not only that, I have hostility towards those who do, if they're not in France. There's no reason to speak French when you speak English. We have a word for it. You could say the word "essence," or, there's definitely an English word. And anybody that uses French terms is just speaking bullshit.

AC: Right.

JK: Trying to make themselves sound smarter than they are.

ALM: Well, it is being used by a woman in this case.

JK: Exactly.

AC: I still don't know what it means.

JK: Yeah.

ALM: It's kind of the essence, the defining quality.

JK: The je ne sais quoi? Is that what she meant?[No.]

AC: Hold on a second, everybody. [blows a raspberry; general laughter.]

JK: There you go. That's what you call a rebuttal. [More laughter.]

ALM: You do discuss masturbation a lot on your show.

AC: Thank you.

ALM: What advice would you give to people just starting down the road of self-gratification?

JK: Well, that's a good question. Here's my advice, and this is very serious advice. This is something it took me almost like a year to figure out: Use some kind of lubrication.

AC: Right.

JK: You know, my penis used to swell up like a mushroom.

AC: Yeah, and let me add to that. For the first ten years I jacked off, I acted like nothing was going to come out of my dick. When it did, I was always a little surprised and disgusted at having to mop up afterwards. So either do it in the shower or go to the hamper and grab yourself a bib, or a towel will suffice. But don't just have at it willy-nilly.

ALM: So to speak.

JK: Be prepared, is the Boy Scout motto. Before they jack off.

ALM: Do you two enjoy doing the Man Show as much as the other shows you're on, which don't have as many large-breasted women, at least normally.

JK: I enjoy doing the Man Show more than the other shows that I'm on. Adam?

AC: They're totally different for me, in the sense that it takes us a week to do a half-hour of a Man Show and in two days we do an eight-hour long Loveline. So one you can definitely crank out faster. This one is definitely more creative and more interesting, and it's more of sort of a team sport. It's getting together with a bunch of guys and huddling and coming up with some ideas. It's much more of a sort of group effort, and I like that. And definitely it's more theatrical, in the sense that there are sets and props and locations and things like that, so it's different and they both have their perks. But the Man Show's fun because I get to work with all my friends.

ALM: Plus, you know, any whiskey manufacturer will tell you that it takes time to make good things. [pause]

Stacey from the network: Andrew, you have about less than a minute left.

ALM: How do you see masculinity changing as we enter this new millennium?

JK: Masculinity changing? We see it going away, or at least being masked, and that's I think part of the reason that people respond to our show, is that people are like, "Oh yeah! That's right! We're supposed to be men!" We're not all supposed to be exactly the same. Women are supposed to be women, and men are supposed to be men. I think that's dissipating, and hopefully it'll make a comeback.

ALM: Thanks very much.

JK: Thank you, Andrew.

ALM: Thanks. Bye.

JK: Bye.

The Rest of Our Culture Home

Spam-O-Matic Home