Le Guide Spam-O-Matique de Théâtres de Washington

Suburban movie theaters are mostly indistinguishable from each other. They show the same films, they have the same tiered "stadium" seating or sloped-floor ampitheater seating and the same loud surround sound, and their tickets cost the same ludicrous amount. The only difference between any of them is that AMC theaters have student discounts, which is why no one with a valid student ID or an ID that still looks like it's valid should go anywhere else.

Yet there are theaters which offer something distinctive to moviegoers in the Washington area. They show interesting, off-the-beaten-track films; they show one film and show it spectacularly; or they just provide an overall superior moviegoing experience (i.e., they allow you to bring booze into the theater). This review catalogs the local theaters which purport to provide something special to local cinephiles, and lets you know whether the theater delivers.

Le Guide was updated in April 2005 to reflect the closings of several smaller theaters and the opening of, well, one. Because I am mad at Cineplex Odious for closing the smaller theaters, I have moved the closed theaters into a “Gone but Not Forgotten” section at the end of this page.

P&G Old Greenbelt

Crescent Road at Southway, Greenbelt

No Metro; deal with it

301/474-9744

P&G Old Greenbelt shows one semi-highbrow film at a time on a pretty damn big screen with adequately enveloping sound for a couple bucks less than every other theater in the area. It's also smack in the middle of suburbia, so there's ample parking. Plus you get the added benefit of the 1970s-style theater advertisements, featuring sparkling tours through a Cinema of the Future and dynamic disco-type music inviting you to purchase refreshments; these have never failed to bring me delight, because rarely do you see the aesthetic missteps brazened out there so cheerfully. (I don't care if the announcements mention turning off your cell phones — they still reek of the 70s. If they'd had cell phones back then, this is what the announcement to turn them off would have looked like.) What's not to like? Well, maybe the film they're showing, but if you do want to see it P&G should be on your list o' venues. Be sure to get there a few minutes early for the aforementioned advertisements.

AFI Silver Theater

8633 Colesville Road, Silver Spring

Silver Spring, south exit (Red Line); two blocks north on Colesville Road

Recorded program information: 301/495-6700

General info: By phone: 301/495-6720 By fax: 301/495-6777

Ticket purchasing: http://silver.afi.com

The AFI Silver is close both to my heart and my apartment; a perhaps overfull discussion of its virtues can be found here. Here I will simply note that the AFI Silver shows at least some films that are shown nowhere else in the metro area (there has been a regrettable turn towards trying to compete with the other indie outlets on a screen or two), and it shows them on a screen unlike any other in the metro area; thus, it is always worth a look when trying to slake one's cinematic thirst. Also the popcorn has real butter on it.

Consolidated Theatres Majestic 20

900 Ellsworth Drive, Silver Spring

Silver Spring (Red Line); south exit, two blocks north on Colesville Road, cut through the middle of the plaza with the big “DOWNTOWN” sign, emerge onto Ellsworth Drive, where movie theater is at the end of the block

301/681-2266

Ticket purchasing: www.movietickets.com

The Consolidated Generic (as I have called it since it opened in the summer of 2004) no doubt would be perfectly happy to show only Hollywood pap except that it has 20 screens to fill on any given day, and so relatively popular indies sneak into its rotation with some regularity (think “Sideways” or “Garden State”). The Generic’s actual theaters are characterlessly accommodating (thus the name), with uniform stadium seating, medium-large to large screens, loud, detailed sound, and comfy chairs. Its service is less accommodating, as for some reason all concessions lines in the Generic move as slowly as those at the DMV. The ticket line is even slower; those with Visas or Mastercards and a limited stock of patience are advised to avail themselves of the automated ticketing machines to the left of the main ticket line. Also, sometimes the escalators break, leaving the weary cinemagoer to climb a solid three stories up from the ticketing area to the actual theaters. For you stay-at-home parents out there, however, the Consolidated Generic is (to my knowledge) alone on this list in providing midmorning showings at which babies are welcome; if you are a stay-at-home dad, maybe they will let you into the Movie Moms Club anyway.

(The part about being forced to use interesting movies to fill a great multitude of screens applies even more to the Muvico Egyptian 24 Theatres at Arundel Mills, which on any given day almost always has one showing on one screen of some movie I haven’t even heard of. However, I have not surveyed the Muvico for this guide, mainly because I have not yet dragged my ass up to Arundel Mills. The Metro directions would read “Get out at New Carrolton Metro and take a $50 cab ride up 295.” Arundel Mills does have a bunch of outlet stores, though, so if I get seized by a particularly acute case of bargain fever I will check out Muvico and update Le Guide.)

AMC Union Station

Union Station (Red Line); "Shops" exit, then two hundred feet or so to the right

703/998-4AMC

Ticket purchasing: www.moviefone.com

OK, AMC Union Station doesn't show any movies that are anywhere off the beaten track. However, we don't always see movies that are off the beaten track; that's why the track is so beaten. And if someone you love or like or need to satisfy some desire is dead-set on seeing a mainstream film you know will be horrible, you will want to drag them to AMC Union Station, because its patrons talk more during the film than the patrons of any other theater in the Washington area. Sometimes the chatter doesn't even concern the film being shown; you'll hear about problems you didn't even know you should have been happy not to have if you listen hard enough. With the help of these patrons, you can suffer through "Love Don't Cost a Thing" or some such drivel with minimized discomfort and be all the more ready to reap whatever reward you have coming when the film concludes. Word to the wise.

Landmark’s E Street Cinema

555 11th St. NW (that’s the official address; it’s on E St. in between 10th and 11th)

Metro Center (Red, Orange, and Blue Lines); 11th and F exit; go to your left after you exit to go south on 11th; or Gallery Place (Red, Yellow, and Green Lines); 9th and G exit, go straight ahead to go south a couple streets and right to go west a couple

Theater information: 202/452-7672

Ticket purchasing: (301 or 202) 333-3456 x 781; www.moviefone.com

The first new downtown movie theater in forever (although it was quickly followed by Regal Gallery Place Stadium 14, an unexceptional theater in every way), Landmark’s E Street Cinema was painstakingly built into and around a preexisting urban environment. This explains both its super-high prices ($9.25 a pop for all but the matinees, although students can slice that to $7.50 by showing an ID) and its thoroughly odd variety of auditoriums. There are eight screens in all, but no two that I’ve seen a film on are alike. Seven of the eight have stadium seating, but the extent of that seating varies; some have three rows in the back, while some have a fairly extensive pileup after the obligatory first few neck-craning floor-level rows. The overall width and depth of the auditoriums also varies, which is not such a big deal except that the screen size changes with those variables, meaning that the immersiveness of one’s cinemagoing experience is always unknown prior to entering the theater.

Despite the prices and the wacky collection of auditoriums, though, E Street quite often is worth the extremely convenient trip, as Landmark has designated it an outlet for films edgier than those that makes it out to its Bethesda suburban art-house interchangeaplex. Like its sibling, all the theaters have good sound, and you can buy numerous semi-luxury concession items like pastries in addition to your Raisinets. Unlike its sibling, it is not structured in a manner that virtually guarantees unnavigable lines as one waits to enter the theater. It’s the quality cinema showing virtually every week, though, that makes E Street the most exciting addition to Washington cinemas in years and virtually the sole bulwark against the loss of many a hospitable, eccentric old joint.

Loews Theatres Georgetown

3111 K St. NW

Foggy Bottom (Blue & Orange Lines); two blocks up I St. to Washington Circle, Pennsylvania Avenue east to M Street, cross the bridge, then back down to 31st and K

1-800-FANDANGO (express code 821)

Ticket purchasing: www.fandango.com

There's no parking and, as indicated by the directions above, it's a bit of a hike from the nearest Metro, but this theater is always packed. Why? Ever since CVS evicted the independent Biograph and Key Theaters to sell toilet paper and generic candy corn, there had been no movies at all in Georgetown, a land of upscale prices and tastes.

Loews Georgetown delivers its neighborhood a mix of blockbusting films and artier fare. Regardless of the commercial provenance of the films being shown, all of Loews Georgetown's auditoriums feature stadium seating and thoroughly modern sound. In this way, Loews Georgetown is an exemplar of the new era of suburbanized art houses, in which offbeat films are shown in theaters without quirk or fault. (Distinctiveness only shines through in the Loews Georgetown's lobby, which is unexpectedly airy and even dramatic, as the electronic board featuring the showtimes is suspended from the ceiling.) If it's convenient, there's never a reason not to go to Loews Georgetown; given the horrendous venues art films have historically been confined to, that's a very good thing.

Cineplex Odeon Dupont Circle

1350 19th St. NW

Dupont Circle, south exit (Red Line); half a block south on 19th St.

1-800-FANDANGO (express code 711)

Ticket purchasing: www.fandango.com

When I said "horrendous venues" directly above, I meant "Cineplex Odeon Dupont Circle." Still, this theater packs 'em in despite its obvious inadequacies, such as screens the size of two postage stamps laid side-by-side and truly bizarre seat placement that ensures that your view will almost always be blocked by someone, somehow. (People two inches taller than you loom in your field of vision like Manute Bol on a couple telephone books; films with subtitles become completely incomprehensible.) How does it stay in business? It shows interesting films, and it's about twenty feet from the Dupont Circle Metro, in the heart of DC's only true Trendy Country. Still, given the good restaurants nearby, the proximity of the Metro and the quality of the films it usually shows, cinephiles will probably end up going to this Dupont theater more than they'd like. An actual good theater showing the same films would blow Dupont Circle out of the commercial water; even as you read, Loews Georgetown eats an ever-increasing share of CineDupont's lunch. Of course, Loews and Cineplex Odeon (aka Cineplex Odious when I'm mad at them) are owned by the same company, so the competition there is actually illusory, but that's another rant.

Cineplex Odeon Uptown

3426 Connecticut Ave. NW

Cleveland Park, west side exit (Red Line); look south and see the huge "UPTOWN" sign looming

1-800-FANDANGO (express code 713)

Ticket purchasing: www.fandango.com

Once upon a time, back well before my parents were born, our fair city apparently teemed with movie houses that had huge screens, booming sound systems, balconies, comfortable seats, and huge crowds every weekend. Those old movie houses and their attendant virtues have almost all gone the way of customer service and non-neo swing music. Most have been torn down; the few whose buildings have survived are being converted to other uses. The single-screen Cineplex Odeon Uptown is the sole survivor from that halcyon era, and while it apparently was not anything special back in the day, it is the biggest-screened, best-sounding, most comfortable, and all-round ass-kicking-est theater in Washington, D.C. today.

The films shown at the Uptown can generally be seen in the suburbs, but you can't see them there like you can at the Uptown. A theater this good can turn a mediocre flick into a masterpiece for a day, as when I saw "Independence Day" there on July 4th, with a teeming crowd of jingoistic moviegoers whose raucous cheers at the spectacular picture and sound made up for certain obvious dramatic deficiencies. And if you see a masterpiece there, it'll show it to you in the best possible light. Seeing a film at the Uptown is an occasion to anticipate that sometimes becomes a treasured memory. If you live around D.C., love movies, and don't get down there as much as you can, you're a loser.

AMC Mazza Gallerie 7

5300 Wisconsin Ave. NW (in Mazza Gallerie mall)

Friendship Heights, Mazza Gallerie exit (Red Line)

202/537-9553

Ticket purchasing: www.moviefone.com

Bar none, the best multi-screen theater in D.C. There are many reasons for this. For one, in addition to biggun blockbuster films, it also shows smaller, more interesting films, and not even because it has to in order to fill vast screen acreage (there's just the 7). Sometimes, said films even stay a while. In addition, AMC Mazza Gallerie used to be Mazza Gallerie General Cinema before GCC went bankrupt. Legacies of GCC's failed business strategy include the Club Cinema, whose patrons pay an additional four dollars to sit in astonishingly wide fake-leather seats and watch a smaller screen — features of no other AMC theater in or around D.C. Oh, and you get to bring overpriced alcohol from the AMC bar (also an area AMC exclusive) into the theater. I'd go to the regular theater and spend the four bucks on Thunderbird in a brown paper bag, but that's just me. The regular theaters have large screens and (better yet) truly impressive sound, second only to the Uptown in the area and more than a match for, say, the demolition of an entire car dealership in "T3."

But the main reason to love AMC Mazza Gallerie is that it has the most comfortable seating in the area. This is true stadium seating, meaning that unless you are an inveterate sloucher you will be able to see over the person in front of you. Furthermore, the seats provide a wondrous combination of support, adjustability and general comfort that will leave your ass singing hosannas. This is why I always refer to this theater not as Mazza Gallerie, but as Butt Heaven. It's not nearly as cool as the Uptown, but coming in second to the Uptown is no disgrace.

The Avalon (managed by P&G Theaters)

5612 Connecticut Ave. NW

Friendship Heights (Red Line); A mile walk northeast on Western Ave, or you can take the Ride-On 1 or 11 buses

202/966-6000

Ticket info: www.theavalon.org

The Avalon used to be a ward of Cineplex Odious, but that company abandoned the theater when Lowes Cineplex went bankrupt in 2001, stripping it of usable parts like popcorn machines and seats before nailing the doors shut. A group of concerned citizens took up the cudgels on the old theater's behalf, and the result is the current Avalon, driven by an organization formed by those concerned citizens to restore the Avalon to its former glory and to advance the state of Washington-area cinematic exhibition. As a bonus, the theater itself is even better than that sounds.

Cineplex Odious had let the Avalon go to waste before giving up on it altogether; the ceiling had massive water damage that was beginning to imperil the charming painting of God unspooling a film reel to some cherubim, the seats were coming apart at the seams (in the case of those seats that still had seams), and the floor had been permanently coated in the grease deposits of a thousand theatergoers. The Avalon Theater Project preserved the painting mentioned above and threw out everything else, carving out a medium-size first theater and a smaller second theater from the previous one-screen cavern, putting in attractive molding and comfortable chairs, and sprucing up the cool marquee outside. Sadly, the very center of the auditoriums has an aisle and not actual seats in it, but at least the seats that are there deliver the comfort you need to pay proper attention to an art film. Sound is reasonably good, not excellent but good enough for most movies the theater screens. And because the Avalon folks have contracted with P&G for the actual management of the theater, you get those cool 1970s-style announcements at the beginning of each show! Thinking about the Avalon's resurrection brings a smile to my face, but attending a film there generally makes me even happier.

Landmark's Bethesda Row

7235 Woodmont Ave., Bethesda

Bethesda (Red Line); come out of the Metro and walk towards the little mall on the left to get to Woodmont Ave., make a left onto Woodmont, then make a left turn just before Elm Ave. (it's a ten-minute walk)

301/652-7273

Ticket purchasing: www.moviefone.com

Like Loews Georgetown, Landmark's Bethesda Row shows art films on smallish screens in stadium-seating auditoriums to serve neighborhood rich people. Unlike the 14-screen Loews Georgetown, Bethesda Row has only seven screens, shows only art films on them, and has an extremely unpleasant lobby.

Bethesda Row's box office is outside, unprotected from the elements despite the long lines of people who show up to purchase tickets. After purchasing, you enter the theater and either descend via escalator or, in the not-infrequent circumstance that the escalator is broken, just walk down. Once descended, you find yourself in an open space whose ceiling is vaulted to a height and covered with materials designed to produce cacophony when more than five people anywhere in the space are talking at once. Across the open space is the concessions stand; to either side are ticket takers. To gain entry into your film, you must consult your ticket in order to determine which screen your film will be shown on and then proceed to the ticket taker on that side of the open space, because if you go to the wrong side they will make you wait in line twice, and these lines can get full to bursting with black-coated Bethesdans waiting for some movie besides yours to start seating. Can the uncertainty and crowding make actually navigating the open space an incredible trial? You bet they can! Also the bathrooms are woefully undersized and equipped only with those inadequate hot-air machines for hand drying.

Once you're in the theater, Bethesda Row provides a considerably more pleasant experience, with the aforementioned stadium seating, comfy seats with good lumbar support, and excellent sound. Just be prepared to be patient.

As you can see, there are plenty of options if you're tired of the same uninspiring tripe in uninspiring surroundings. (Unfortunately, I have no reason to ever go to Fairfax and its Cinema Arts Theater or any of the othe venues in VA; if some kind person finds this on the Web and sends me a usable review, I will gladly add that text to this roundup and give that author full credit and kudos.) Getting to and into these theaters may require a little more time and money than normal, but most of them well repay the effort. In any case, given the fact that tix for these theaters cost just about the same as tix at the blockbuster palaces, you have nothing to lose but your boredom.

Gone but Not Forgotten

Visions • Bar Noir

1927 Florida Ave. NW

Dupont Circle, north exit (Red Line); north on Connecticut, then right on Florida

202/667-0090

Ticket info: www.visionsdc.com

As you can tell by its name, Visions is more than a Cinema, it's also a Bar Noir. I do not have the time or (truth be told) the inclination to hang around movie-theater bars trawling for cinema-loving women, but if I did, I'd definitely do it at Bar Noir, because it's the only full-scale bar at a movie theater in the area. Plus, as the name suggests, there's a theme going, a theme of tough guys and tougher dames who communicate primarily via sardonic one-liners and smoke a lot in between communicating. Wear whatever trenchcoat you may have handy.

There's also food! The menu appears to have been cobbled together from a range of reheatable or transportable food sold by neighborhood grocers and restaurants. Nevertheless, the food's not overpriced, and some of it is pretty good. You can definitely take your drink from the bar into the theater, although the management reportedly frowns on taking your entire meal in along with it.

The main attraction here, however, is the cinema, as well it should be. Visions is attempting to carve out a little niche by picking up films which the Loews Cineplex monolith won't show. As you might guess, I heartily approve of this mission. What Visions ends up showing is a bunch of foreign and extremely independent films, many of which are quite good and all of which are at least interesting. Since its decisions do not necessarily have to shovel short-term nickels and dimes onto its balance sheets, Visions has also been able to establish some emerging cinemagoing traditions, like showing "Donnie Darko" and "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" at midnight on weekends and providing a keg o' beer for a low flat rate. I can't say I exactly approve of further showings of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," but they've helped to establish Visions' fun clubby ambiance.

The theaters themselves are a bit small (Visions has carved multiple screens from the carcass of the old Cineplex Odeon Embassy), but the seats all have good views, and the sound is accurate if not overwhelming. But, in the end, it's the little things that commend this theater to cinemagoers: the old serials (like Flash Gordon) shown before the film, the general enthusiasm and pleasantness of the staff, the helpful descriptions of the films available in the lobby, and of course the righteous student discount. Go have a look.

Visions died because Loewest-Cineplex Odious stopped it from getting the films it needed to get an audience into its seats. It could have paid the rent if it had been getting the films, was my impression.

Cineplex Odeon Outer Circle

4849 Wisconsin Ave. NW

Tenleytown-AU, east side exit (Red Line); four blocks or so north on Wisconsin Ave.

1-800-FANDANGO (express code 712)

Ticket purchasing: www.fandango.com

A tale of two theaters. Theater #1 is one of the better venues for art films in the city, with a nice, big screen, decent sound, and seats which are laid out reasonably well. Theater #2 is a tiny little bandbox, with seats wedged extremely close together to maximize attendance and box office take, and a screen which almost never seems like it's at a comfortable viewing angle. Even Theater #2 is better than Dupont, though; its screen is at least medium-big, and the sound is still decent. So, by all means, don't hesitate to shell out the money if the movie looks good. We get too uptight about physical contact with strangers in this country, anyway.

But of course, when you can sit in a theater with not only legroom but cupholders, why worry about whether the film you’re seeing is interesting or not? Such was the infinite wisdom of Lowest-Cineplex Odious.

Cineplex Odeon Cinema

5100 Wisconsin Ave. NW

Friendship Heights, Jenifer St. exit (Red Line); two blocks south on Wisconsin Ave.

1-800-FANDANGO (express code 710)

Ticket purchasing: www.fandango.com

Big screen, huge auditorium, good sound, and red velvet every damn where: Cineplex Odeon Cinema is a classy venue in which to see a film. Normally, semi-highbrow Hollywood films of the type the P&G Old Greenbelt shows play on its single screen, and were it not for the profusion of velvet and the distinctly higher prices the Cineplex Odeon Cinema could be mistaken for the Old Greenbelt's twin. The room goes back far enough that if you get stuck in the back, you'll need to bring a telescope, so try to get there early. In the middle, though, is bliss.

(While the Cineplex Odeon Cinema is on Wisconsin Avenue, it should not be confused with the Cineplex Odeon Wisconsin Avenue Cinemas, which is a completely uninspiring six-screen suburban multiplex that due to some accident of fate is located in Tenleytown. I'm always trying to look out for you.)

Maybe Lowest-Cineplex Odious closed the Cineplex Odeon Cinema primarly to avoid the abovementioned confusion. The company undoubtedly viewed the theater as very similar to but not quite as good as the Uptown, which is correct. The Uptown is a jewel; the Cineplex Odeon Cinema was just a nice amenity, and therefore its closing did not incur the savage negative PR that the closing of the Uptown would. Sigh.

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