About the Author
I, also known as "the author," also known as "Andrew Lindemann
Malone," was born on September 8, 1978, in the tiny hamlet of Detroit,
Michigan. If I had stayed in Detroit, I would no doubt have become a nationally
famous white rapper from the Motor City like Eminem and Kid Rock, but
instead my family moved to Silver Spring, Maryland in the spring of 1985,
when I was 6 and completing first grade. I have lived in Silver Spring
ever since, and I still love it, regardless of how ridiculous this love may seem to anyone who has ever patronized City Place Mall.
A few pieces in the humor section date from my stint at Richard Montgomery
High School and from other epochs, but most of the writing on this site
dates from April 1998 onwards, when I was working at a data entry concern,
living in my own apartment, and trying to figure out how to write for
real. In the fall of 1999, I entered the University of Maryland, and I
graduated summa cum laude in May 2002 with a double major in English and
economics. (It is my current ambition never to go to school again in my life, since I have to do work either way, and if I'm at a job they pay me to do it.)
While I was at Maryland, I became a professional writer. I reviewed movies
and concerts of classical music and wrote a column about economics for
the school's newspaper, the Diamondback; wrote descriptions of classical
works and biographies of their composers and performers for the All Classical
Guide; interned at, and then wrote reviews and humor items for, Jazz Times,
"NAFTA's Jazz Magazine"; and did various other freelance chores.
(See my resume for more info.)
Since graduation,
I have taken a full-time writing position at the United States Department
of Agriculture's Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service, crafting
regulations to tell importers how to treat their products so we don't
get any icky foreign plant and animal pests and to tell our farmers how
to safeguard themselves against such pests. (And, during slow periods,
writing stuff about myself for my website.) Freelance-wise, I'm still a contributing writer for Jazz Times, but I'm now also reviewing classical concerts for the Washington Post, a job which basically consists of me constantly scheming for ways to get puns and jokes into my reviews without anyone noticing. It rarely works.
I would say something here about my personality, but if you read all
the stuff on here I think a personality will quickly emerge. I feel I
should note that I don't really dislike France that much (I just find
enjoy ribbing them, locker-room style), I read lots of books even though I almost never
write about them, my favorite color is blue but I thought it made for
a dolorous website, and I bake some extremely good desserts. Authors who
have had an effect on my prose include Charles "Chuck-A-Buck"
Dickens, David Foster Wallace, Dave Barry, Cecil Adams, P.J. O'Rourke,
Bill James, Elmore Leonard, and my man Tim Page. Authors who I wish had had an effect on my prose include Jhumpa Lahiri, Zadie Smith, George Pelecanos, Terry Eagleton, and Jonathan Lethem, but it hasn't happened yet.
If you have any thoughts about anything at all, feel free to bomb my in-box with them. I have given up on IM as a means of semi-literate communication.
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